April 6th.

April 6th.

      What's in a date? April 6th, 2015. One year ago. 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days ago. What a year it has been. It's been a year since I gave birth to my son. A year of breast feeding him, cracked nipples and almost sleepless nights. A year of changing diapers, from disposables to cloth. A year of cuddles and dancing and songs and whispers until he falls asleep. A year of mundane, everyday tasks to make sure he grows up happy, content and safe. How fast time flies.

     When I made the decision to be a stay-at-home mom, I didn't know what I was getting myself into. In retrospect, if I knew what it would entail, I probably would just have gone back to work. But there is not a day that goes by that I'm not certain that I made the right choice fory baby. And in further retrospect, that is what's important. He has grown into a cheerful and energetic toddler. He has breezed by all the expected milestones and I couldn't be prouder of him than I am. 

       I never thought I could hold so much love in my heart, and also so much fear. Fear that I will let him down, fear that he will get hurt, fear of letting him grow up and go out on his own. My husband thinks it's funny that every month I implore him to not grow up too fast. But I feel that sincerely. Even when we're together 24/7, I still feel that I only have too little a time with him. Too soon will he grow up and run and play without me. Soon he will start school and have new friends. Too soon will he start dating and then have his own family. Yes, I am looking down that road as early as now. At times like this when the house is quiet and I am staring at his peaceful and sleeping face. He has just turned one but I fear it's the start of him leaving me. 

     I keep these fears bottled up inside as I go by our daily routine. I keep on thinking that this might be the last time he feeds from me. The last time I change his nappy. The last time he wants to go uppy on his carrier. The last time he wants a cuddle before he sleeps. I try not to show my boy how conflicted I feel. Naturally I want him to grow into the amazing man I know he will be, but there's still a small selfish wish in a mother's heart that wants to keep him by my side like this always. 

     So mothers, hold your children as much as you still can. Cherish every smile, every laugh and even every tear. Be thankful for all the times you have your child in your arms and always remember how fast they grow. All too soon we have to let them go, accept that they don't need us that much. We are not the center of their universe any longer, rather we are a satellite that lights his path. Make sure that as young as they are now, they will always know how much they are loved every single day of their life.

       Happy birthday my darling baby boy. Mommy loves you so very much. Don't grow up too fast ok?

April 6th 2015